Russell, Freeze! Don't move a muscle. I think there's something…something on your head. Could it…oh god! Oh god oh god oh god. It's a tiger! Russ…there's a tiger on your head. Just stay calm. And whatever you do, don't be scared. Fear only whets their appetites. And once they're hungry, only man flesh sates their bloodthirsty bellies. Betcha didn't think I knew anything about tigers, did you, Russ. Why do you think I watch so much Animal Planet? For Meerkat Manor?
Wait. Why am I talking about TV at a time like this? Okay, Russ. We've gotta focus. We need a plan. Quick. Think. What do we have in the house that might distract this wild beast from sinking his teeth into your jugular and making you his brunch? A gray langur maybe? Or a wild boar? Tigers love a good boar, but I think the closest thing we have is some low-sodium bacon. I'll go grab it. Hold tight, dear.
Well, I couldn't find any bacon, but we did have some hotdogs hiding in the back of the crisper…Russell. Don't move! I can't believe it, but I think a bear snuck in, ate the tiger, and now wants your face for dessert. Why is this happening to us, Russell? Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?
Why are you laughing, Russell? You're about to know how a salmon feels inside the merciless jaws of a grizzly. It's no time for levity…unless you've gone mad from fright. Or maybe it's me who's lost it? No show I've ever seen mentioned anything about bears being lined with fleece. Or having tassels. Or…wait a second…did that package of handmade Himalayan wool animal hats arrive? Geez, Russ. I nearly had a heart attack. Now, where's my penguin?
Deal #: 2933