All right, cadets. Fall in. We've been training hard for this day over the past five years, and the time has finally arrived. You're moving on to middle school. Oorah.
It seems like only yesterday that your latte-sipping liberal mommies kicked you out of the nest. When you first showed up here at Meriwether Lewis Elementary, you were a sorry sight. Kevin, you must have chowwed down on a gallon of glue that first day. And Emily, all you wanted to do was draw unicorns and chase butterflies. Nothing but a bunch of mamby pamby little babies. You made me wanna puke!
But we've come a long way, cadets. I drilled you in tactical line formation, hand-to-hand hand raising, and bathroom marksmanship. You maggots were hardheaded at first, and I thought some of you wouldn't make it…especially you, Caroline. You had about as much backbone as a Fruit Roll-Up. But now, I'm looking out over a horseshoe-shaped sea of student soldiers I'd follow into Algebra class any day of the week. Oorah.
As a token of my appreciation, I picked up a special gift for everyone: your very first backpack. Unlike the glorified potato sacks they gave us in 'Nam, these bad boys are loaded. We're talking 600 denier polyester construction contrasted with 400 denier honeycomb polyester for crowd camouflage, 1257 cubic inches of storage space to stash your C-rations, padded ergonomic straps and back for maximum comfort when you're marching around campus, an interior organizer panel to store your terrain maps, a mesh water bottle holder to stay hydrated, a web top handle for grab-and-go deployments, and a headphone exit port so you can keep in contact with HQ. Wear them with pride, cadets. Fall out!
Deal #: 2510